Now That's What I Call Alternative Literature

volume 1
volume 2


i had the day off so i went to your house

but you weren’t there

i had a blunt and two 40s of king cobra in my backpack
we were going to share

but you weren’t there

if you had been there
we would have gone to the creek in the woods behind your house
i would have handed you your king cobra and said
‘let’s get bit’
we would have opened them and poured some out into the slowly moving creek
‘for everyone who isn’t here’
i would tell you my phone had low battery
we would have to listen to music on your ipod
we would probably listen to rx bandits
i would light the blunt
we would talk about how we didn’t know if you were supposed to say
‘r-x bandits’ or ‘prescription bandits’ or ‘pharmacy bandits’ or ‘drugstore bandits’
you would tell me you thought it was drugstore bandits
but that’s just because you like that drugstore cowboy movie
i would light a cigarette
i would tell you about the burnt out hippie i knew that robbed a drugstore
he would have gotten away with it but he left a toolbox with his name on it
he went to jail but he’s ok now
we would talk about our friends that had been arrested recently
we would laugh about our friends that were having babies
we would miss our friends that had moved away
we would finish the blunt
i would put my cigarette butt in my empty 40
i would light another cigarette
i would take my shoes off and walk into the creek
you would stand up and carry your 40 with you to the middle of the creek
we would complain about how fucking cold the water was
we would walk out of the water back to the land
i would light another cigarette
i would say i wanted to hear a different band now
you would probably play ghost mice
we would talk for a while about music
then you would say you needed to go get ready for work
you would tell me i could finish my cigarette before we left
the sky would rain
i would light another cigarette while still holding a burning cigarette
i would apologize for forgetting that you needed to leave
you would say we should walk, not run, through the rain
i would say i’d seen that mythbusters too
you would tell me you had not
we would walk back to your house
i would tell you goodbye

we would make plans to meet up after you got off work
you would go into your house
i would get in my car
i would drive off without knowing where i was heading

but you weren’t at your house
you died 4 days ago

so i stopped myself before knocking on your door
i walked alone to the creek behind your house
i said ‘let’s get bit’ to myself
i opened a 40 and poured some out
‘for everyone who isn’t here’
but i was really just talking about you
i chain smoked cigarettes
i smoked the blunt while listening to that depressing album they played at your funeral
i drank the other 40
i threw the bottles against a tree
i threw my cigarette butts in the creek
i didn’t take my shoes off and wade through the water
i looked at the broken glass and other trash i had left at our spot by the creek
i said ‘fuck this place’
i headed back to my car
it started raining
i ran through the rain
i got back into my car
you weren’t there to tell me to walk in the rain instead
i was dripping on my seat
i started the car
i turned on the lights
i turned on the wipers
i drove away
i never went back to your house again


Murdoch LaMarche is a supervillain.